How to Stop Being a Nice Guy [and Be More Alpha]

Being a nice guy can be a painful experience. You try to avoid pain by not approaching the girls you are attracted to. But at the same time this socially isolates you and keeps you away from healthy relationships with females. It can sometimes feel like you’re metaphorically cutting your arms with a knife every time a hot girl gives you a clear IOI (Indicator Of Interest), but for some reason you didn’t approach her.

Its tough man, but you gotta keep hope because there’s a way out. Your struggle forces you to dig deeper within, find your inner strength and become more alpha. Yet, it’s rarely an overnight transformation to go from suffering from nice guy syndrome towards being completely authentic. But the small step you take today can begin the journey of a thousand miles. We’ll start with basic ideas on how to stop being a nice guy such as not buying her affection. Then progress towards advanced topics like self-belief and owning the shadow.

Don’t buy love

– beginner

Don’t try to buy someone’s attention or love. And don’t give a gift if you expect something in return. Your presence should be enough for the girl you’re with. If she expects gifts or demands you to pay for everything, then her intentions are probably not so pure. Find someone else. Rather spend the money on building yourself up instead. Save your money for your education, improving how you dress and eating healthy, instead of trying to buy girls over to like you.

Get your physical needs met

–   beginner-intermediate

Everyone has physical needs, never suppress or disown those needs. It’s your right to make a move on the girl you’re talking with, as long as you are calibrated. The main thing is if you never ask, you’ll never get anything. So feel free to ask – either direct or indirect.

Make time for your physical needs. Go do cold approach seduction, instead of sitting in front of the TV. If you occasionally jerk off, that means you do care about meeting women, you simply have to make more time for seduction. Lastly, don’t wait until the second or third date before you make a basic move like holding hands, touching her, or kissing.

Be authentic

–   intermediate

Make sure you express your needs clearly in your communication. If you are sexually interested in a girl you’re talking with, then communicate this to her verbally or physically. Don’t say what you think the girl wants to hear. This is a recipe for failure. Saying what you feel is the only way for her to connect with you. And to see if a connection is even possible. Otherwise don’t waste time, energy and words on a girl that doesn’t like you for who you are. Similarly, authenticity extends to your career and not doing a job you hate. Or do the job, but at the same time work towards having an exit plan through continual studies or a side-hustle.

In the same way, don’t try to fit into the wrong social circles. You lose your authenticity if you succumb to peer pressure and e.g. start smoking pot, or become some douche for the sake of fitting in with other douche-bags. Seek confident friends out who you can relate to authentically, the way you are, right now. The better you get to know yourself, the easier it gets to make like-minded connections. The less you yearn to be like “those other cool guys fools who smoke pot together”, the more awesome you get. Work on boosting your self-esteem and confidence.

Stand up for yourself

– intermediate

If a girl makes you wait half an hour before she shows up on a date, don’t simply patiently sit and wait there in the bar. Let her know when she’s not treating you well enough. You don’t have to blare out: “Girl your not treating me with enough respect here!”. Or maybe, “Bitch can you please show up on time!”. Hell no…  Still treat women with respect – even if they sometimes don’t show you the respect you deserve. However, this doesn’t mean letting people walk all over you. BUT what you can do is for example, to suggest that you’re going somewhere else if she doesn’t show up within the next 5 to 10 minutes. Then give her the option of meeting you at the second location (which suits you better), instead of the original plan.

Or, if she flakes on the first date (and doesn’t show up), she has to make up for it on the second date, e.g. by buying you a drink, or by letting you choose the most convenient meeting place and/or date activity. But keep it realistic. Not every girl is going to show up at your front door, with a bottle of wine, and without any underwear. If you don’t let her know that she did something wrong by flaking the first time (and if necessary, let her make it up to you), then she’ll flake on you again a second time… and a third. An exception is when the girl has a sincere reason for not showing up. In that case, stay cool & calm and re-organize the date.

Another scenario: The girl flirts with other guys in front of you, blatantly disrespecting you, touching them more than is necessary. Or she makes a habit out of getting drunk whenever you’re out together. Don’t tolerate this behavior. This kind of woman has very little, if any, relationship potential. So I’d consider ending it.

You don’t want to be the nice guy who tries to change someone else and mold her into your perfect women. This is not a good strategy to get a girlfriend. Pick a woman who is already the kind of person you can relate to. Similar to male friendships, don’t try to fix your friends, accept them for who they are (within reasonable boundaries), or get other friends. Often what you try to fix in the people around you (particularly friends, girlfriends and family), are things that are missing in your own life (and defects of your own personality).

Also stand up for yourself when guys don’t show you the respect you deserve. For example, if they exclude you from some friendship activity, then freeze them out a little as well. And go out and have an awesome time with other friends (or even by yourself), while giving zero further f#cks and thoughts to them (once you know their true colors). In this way, the more awesome guys with real friendship potential can see and feel your superior vibe, and you’ll attract better friends sooner or later.

What will society think or say

– intermediate

Don’t think “what will society say” if I do this cold approach. A drunk asshole doesn’t ever think that, and society gives minimal flack to drug addicts or alcoholics. Unfortunately, we live in a drug-addict society. Thus never hesitate to make that approach. As always do it in a respectable way. Basically, if you’re a nice guy, and shoot yourself down, you give the power to the drug addict & alcoholic dark side of society.

Instead of letting society control your romance and sex life, ask “Am I honoring myself by what I’m doing (or not doing)?”. The main thing is to always operate from a place of respect to yourself and others. Then you should feel free enough to approach any girl you want.

Own the shadow

– intermediate-advanced

Don’t go around pretending you’re this bad boy asshole player with a lay-count that increases by 100 women every month, you’re simply trying to patch up your shame. Own the inner nice guy. Wear it with pride. This is how you transcend your unwanted characteristics and behaviors. Talk about it, tell people about the things you don’t always love about yourself. Then you’re not suppressing your shadow because you’re open about who you are, both good and bad. You’re not parading some mask in public while beating yourself off and up at home because of being someone else than who you want to be.  If you’re into this line of thinking, read up on Carl Jung. His writing always seemed more practical than Sigmund Freud.

Another good book if you struggle with shame is “Healing the shame that binds you” by John Bradshaw. It teaches how shame can control your life from the shadows, and how to escape the trap of toxic shame.

In society, the nice intelligent guys keep their mouths shut (normally). While alcoholics & drug addicts never stem their verbal diarrhea. Humans are hardwired to appreciate spontaneity – even if it is the wrong kind of spontaneity you often see in the media.

Believe in yourself

– advanced

Strange that something this simple falls under advanced nice-guy game. But it’s easy to forget. Believe you deserve to date that hot girl. Although “hot” can mean more than only external appearance.

As nice guys, we are sometimes made to feel like we’re second-class citizens. Sure there are lunatics in society who may take advantage of you and treat you badly. But your self-worth should never come from the outside. Others may put you down to feel better about themselves. But understand where it’s coming from: Treating other people badly is a mental disorder. Don’t let disrespect make you think any less of yourself, let it reinforce your self-belief instead.

Moreover, let your nice guy characteristics work for you, and not against you. If a beautiful woman is with me, she knows I want her sexually, at the same time she knows I have her best interest at hand, and I’m socially discreet and calibrated. She trusts me because I wear my intentions on my sleeve. What she sees is what she gets. Social guys are attractive. However, nerds can struggle to get laid if they don’t smoothen themselves out socially, by being assertive and out-going. The social guy won’t go brag around town later that he slept with a particular girl, he sleeps with many girls. She brags to her friends that she slept with him instead.

Meditate

– super-advanced

Meditation brings awareness to your actions. Journaling and writing things down also helps. Once you notice your behavioral patterns, you can start working on changing them. For example, notice how you shoot yourself down before or after you had an opportunity to approach a girl. Then ask yourself if you want to behave differently next time. Seek mentors or peers to help hold you accountable for creating the life you want to live.

 

What are your thoughts on how to stop being a nice guy and unleashing your inner alpha male? Post your advice or questions in the comment section below. If you know someone who displays the signs of being a deceptive and sexually frustrated nice guy, send him a link to this post!