To be confident doesn’t mean you need to become an asshole or douchebag, only that you’d follow the six pillars of self-esteem. These are the internal sources of Self-esteem:
- The practice of living consciously
- Self-acceptance
- Self-responsibility
- Self-assertiveness
- Living purposefully
- Personal Integrity
Contents
The Definition of Self-Esteem
In the first section of the book, Nathaniel Branden defines self-esteem. Our self-esteem determines how we act, and how we act determines our self-esteem. Thus everything we do, and every choice we make, put us either on an upward or downward spiral.
He mentions that self-esteem leads to honest and open communication. High self-esteem also helps you to form nourishing relationships, because like attracts like. You have to accept yourself and feel lovable for others to love you. External love can never fill you up. It’ll create a void within that needs to be filled with self-love first. However, this doesn’t refer to narcissistic or toxic self-love. If you’re indulging in hard drugs, crime or alcoholism you can be assured this is toxic self-love. High self-esteem helps you both to avoid these negative behaviors, as well as being more resilient.
Moreover, Branden points out how we always tend to project happiness into the future. We have to be happy first with what we have right now.
Branden explains how the classical seduction idea of “being enough” is not negotiable in self-esteem building. It is not for you to ever prove you are enough. Accept that you are enough already. With self-esteem, we can be propelled forward with joy, instead of living in fear that we are inadequate or not enough.
Branden emphasizes the importance of morality, responsibility, and consciousness in self-esteem building. Self-esteem is not only about “Feeling good”. If we live our lives by high standards of responsibility (to yourself and others), we can expect friendship, love and happiness as something natural in our path. Part of self-esteem is relaxation. If you live by the codes of respect and ethics, you can embrace relaxation instead of the anxiety of “not being enough”.
Success is worthless without being accompanied by high self-esteem – otherwise, it will not satisfy you internally. Building self-esteem is like going to the gym. In the beginning, motivation is the most difficult. As you gain strength and positive habits, it becomes easier to motivate yourself. Until finally, it is more difficult and frustrating to miss out on a workout, than it is to attend a workout.
Pillar 1: Living Consciously
This first pillar of self-esteem includes being present to the moment. Instead of shutting off pain, anxiety or fear, try to face it instead with the help of e.g. meditation. Otherwise, our lives are continuous escapism from the present moment chasing external symbols of status and wealth to compromise for feeling bad or inadequate on the inside. Branden encourages perseverance in the face of difficulties and being active in the search for solutions.
Don’t rationalize your emotions. Feel them fully. Don’t suppress what you feel, let it come up and deal with it. It’s tough but once again, alcoholism, hard drugs and criminal behavior are the dark side of life. Embracing who you are, accepting yourself, and living with high self-esteem and a moral code, is the lighter side of life and the only sustainable way of living.
We have to shed awareness on the problem areas of our lives by asking the right questions. For example, if you are stuck then ask yourself: What keeps you stuck?
- Is it clinging to material possessions that you barely use
- Unwillingness to try different paths in life
- Reading the same trash every day
- Having exactly the same routine daily
- Never meeting anybody new
- Or maybe never applying a new mode of communication.
We have to shed awareness on our lives in order to live consciously.
Pillar 2: Self-Acceptance
This means valuing and respecting yourself. Also accepting and acknowledging your feelings, instead of suppressing or running away from what you feel. For example, maybe you don’t feel like doing something, like going to the gym. Still, you can accept these feelings, feel it fully, and then go work-out anyway.
While normally we avoid bad feelings, Branden points out that experiencing our feelings can help us heal. You have to repeat to yourself what feelings you are experiencing, and then affirm that you accept it fully. Fighting your mental blocks will make it stronger. But acknowledging, experiencing and accepting can dissolve your blocks. If you refuse to accept something, then simply accept that you refuse to accept it. Accept your resistance to change. Accept your conflicts, or you won’t resolve it. Also, accept your excitement, or you’ll mentally block yourself from feeling good. If you run from your feelings, your feelings and emotions will always come back to haunt you.
Pillar 3: Self-Responsibility
Branden begins this chapter by listing everything we are responsible for – our dreams, desires, self-esteem, values and so on. Self-responsibility means actively pursuing your dreams, instead of passively hoping someday everything you want will fall into your lap. No one else will help us to achieve our goals if we ourselves don’t do what we can to achieve it first. Make it a daily challenge to accept responsibility for whatever you want out of your day.
Pillar 4: Self-Assertiveness
Branden describes this as being willing to stand up for yourself and be who you are openly, while treating yourself with respect in all human encounters. Thus you live authentically, you speak and act from your deep inner convictions and feelings. Of course, everything depends on what is appropriate and ethical in a certain context. As always, respect other people’s boundaries.
Pillar 5: Living Purposefully
This entails consciously formulating goals. Secondly, identifying actions to reach your goals. Thirdly, regularly check that you are in alignment with your goals. Lastly, pay attention to the outcomes of your actions, to know whether they are leading you where you really want to go or not.
Once again passivity is addressed. If you don’t do something to reach your goals, nothing will change. Also, doing more of what doesn’t work, won’t get you better results. So look at the problems in your life, e.g. wanna improve your social life – go out more instead of spending time playing video games. Or wanna meet more women, then be outside more. Wanna conquer entrepreneurship? Push yourself past your comfort zone, embrace what being an entrepreneur is about, and go for your goals – while keeping ethical boundaries in mind.
Pillar 6: Personal Integrity
Branden writes how having integrity includes a lot of different things. For example, you’d be honest enough to tell a cute girl you find her attractive. You’d also be an honest salesman or businessman. Along with the customer, you find ethical solutions together for the problem. You don’t steal. You make amends. You give credit where its due. You don’t laugh at stupid jokes at the expense of others. You don’t betray your own values to fit in (peer pressure). Don’t pretend you’re in agreement with someone if you disagree on the details. Once again, Branden emphasizes respecting the boundaries of other people, in pursuit of living a life of integrity with yourself.
Branden writes about keeping your integrity in a corrupt world. The corrupt world is the obstacle. Doing the right thing can be a lonely path (at least initially), but for the sake of high self-esteem, it’s the only path. A corrupt world is equally devoid of high self-esteem as it is of morality. Which brings the reward of high self-esteem to those who embrace the obstacle of corruption as an opportunity to distinguish themselves from the low self-esteem segment of society devoid of ethics.
The External Influences
In the second part of the book, Branden considers the external influences of self-esteem. It’s my least favorite part of the book. Not because the information isn’t valid and true, but its simply less interesting. Instead of dealing with the self-esteem of the individual, its more about how to relate to others in different environments, e.g. work, school and psychotherapists. If you don’t find yourself in that particular situation, for example, if you’re not a psychotherapist, it won’t be as interesting to read how to treat your patients better.
Branden warns companies who always want “team players” to not neglect also having hardworking individualists who set the standard and example for everyone else. It does depend on how you define a team-player. Is this the guy who would shut up about corruption when his bosses are engaging in unethical activities? Or does this simply refer to somebody who is considerate towards others, can work effectively in a group, and keeps to a high standard of company ethics.
Conclusion: Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
As Nathaniel Branden would say, if you treat others with respect, then you feel better about yourself as well. How does this relate to picking up girls? When you feel good about yourself, you feel less approach anxiety. Plus, women pick up on your healthy self-esteem.
The Six Pillars of Self-esteem is a worthy read for anyone wanting to cultivate high self-esteem. It’s not only a theoretical masterpiece of psychology, but also a practical guide towards increasing your self-esteem daily by asking yourself the right questions. For example: “If I could raise my self-esteem by 5% today, then I would do _______ (x,y & z)”. You are then encouraged to fill in the blanks with your own answers. If you buy the book with this Amazon link, you’ll be doing your part to raise your self-esteem by at least 5% in the next day or two.
If you’ve read the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, do you have any other tips or comments? Otherwise, post your questions or suggestions below!